Hi loves <3
I hope your Christmas was fantastic and the energies that are pouring into the planet right now are filling you up with hope, optimism, joy, and dreams for the future. My Christmas was filled with profound lessons, intense encounters with myself, and much joy and gratitude. And now I am happy to come to you with a video and a post that I was planing for a couple of months.
For some time I was just waiting for the energy for this piece to be complete, and now that it is, I am so happy to share with you my journey from self-hate and being fully disconnected from my self-worth to living from a place of complete self-love every day. Don’t get me wrong, I am still working on myself. But using the tools I found along the way I master the art of self-love more and more every day, and my life is getting better and better. And today I will share all these tools that I found helpful with you.
It has been a long and often times frustrating road for me to find these tools and techniques that worked. The last couple of months were filled with self-love lessons for me, and I kept researching more and more, digging for things that would work and click. So many of the things I found simply did not work for me, and some of the things I found did. And the ones that did changed my life. In practicing these mindsets and exercises I am about to share with you, I have lifted my life to the level I did not think was possible just a couple of months ago. I rid myself of a lot of anxiety, guilt, shame and fears. I started living a truly simple life that is filled with ease, flow, and love pouring onto me from all directions. And it is such a beautiful feeling to experience. All as a result of me learning to love myself and base all my choices on self-love and appreciation.
First, let me tell you my story.
As you know, I was born into a family of pretty unconscious at the time people ( they are starting to wake up now 🙂 ). It was USSR, and people did not have a concept of individuated self whatsoever. They all lived in a beautiful world illusion constructed by the communist party, where they had these images or prototypes of a human they could be. Men had about four, and women had a couple. People molded themselves into these templates of “good people”, “good citizens”. They dressed, spoke and acted in accord to these templates. It was so funny for me to watch.
I was a very aware kid growing up, with lots of power and depth within me. I saw through all the bullshit to the core of the person. I could find their soul within them and all the layers of “life” and hardship that have caused them to go into misalignment with their truth. I was very psychic, very sensitive. Very, very different child. And from a very early age I was persuaded that because I was so different, I was very broken. My parents kept pointing out that I needed to be more like that and less like that, do more of this and less of that. And only that way could I get love, acceptance, approval. If I went in alignment with myself and did something that they judged or did not understand or approve of, I was made believe that it was my fault that I made them upset. That I was inconsiderate of their feelings. That guilt and shame for being who I am were seeded in me so deeply, so intensely, that I made a commitment to myself to figure out what they wanted me to be like and act like, and I became that. And I became so good at it. Leaving behind all the understanding of myself as I was. Leaving behind my connection, my alignment, my truth.
Fast forward to 2016. The heat of my dark night of the soul. I was shown just how much I was disconnected from the feeling of self-love and self-worth. This issue started popping up in my awareness, and back then I could not even put two and two together. I felt as if I was cut off from Source. I could not comprehend my worth and how to find it. I felt like all the people on this planet had something I did not. Like I was faulty, or something. I could not understand even the concept of one’s worth, let alone apply it to myself. Then after doing some research I could understand it intellectually, but I still did not feel it.
I thought I loved myself all these years leading up to my awakening. I was a confident connected girl who was pretty in tune with her intuition and power. Turned out, that what I was operating form all those years, was nothing more than glorification and reinforcement of the ego. I was taught very early in life that I had to go and achieve, achieve, achieve in order to get any attention, love and respect. And I did that very very well. I achieved a lot and excelled at everything. So when my ego was broken down in pieces in front of me, so was the concept of seemingly loving myself. I did not love myself all of those years, as I did not even know who that self of mine was. And now that I was becoming more and more of my true self, uncovering lost pieces of myself every day, I was absolutely at a loss about how to love that which I was finding.
I spent months Googling and YouTubing things like “how to love yourself” and “learn self-love” in hopes to find that connection. That thought or idea that would make sense to me and connect the dots. And with every month my life showed me in more and more intense manner how misaligned I am when I act of something other that self-love. So many things that I have tried did not work for me. But some did, and, as I mentioned, they turned my life around. And keep doing so till this day. And I am so thrilled to be able to share all these things that have helped me to find self-love and taught me to live from it every day, with you. So, let’s dive in.
1. Accept yourself for who you are.
Weird, different, unique. This has been such a profound lesson for me throughout my awakening. Accepting my shadow, all that I deem less then, all that I judge about myself ( based on what society, school, parents taught me), all that others around me see as unacceptable. Being able to accept all the sides of myself, all my feelings and emotions, have loosened me up a lot, and in the video above I talk about HOW can we go about doing it. What we can do in our day-to-day lives to help us accept ourselves fully.
2. Inner child dialogue.
I have discovered this amazingly powerful technique by accident while going through one of my intense life-lessons. I just randomly started doing it in meditation, and instantly I saw a HUGE power that it possessed. Essentially, it is talking to the child within you and telling him/her all that it has always wanted to hear from others. All that he would want to hear from a best friend, from his biggest cheerleader, from a person who deeply cares about his feelings. This exercise slices through heart walls and deeply relaxes us into our lives. It gives us an instant feeling of being loved and appreciated unconditionally, of being supported. It was so powerful for me and for so many of my clients in sessions, I made a separate video about it.
3. Check for alignment each moment.
The more I awakened to the depths of who I was, the more I was required to slow down in life. Unconscious fast life was yielding only uncomfortable feelings within which pointed to deep misalignment with my truth. And the more I got to know myself, the more I had to check in with myself, wondering “What would alignment feel like in this moment right now?” And what I have discovered, is that it always pointed out to that which felt good in the moment. Simple, right? But practicing this alignment turned out to be way harder than I thought, as it did not only had to deal with finding alignment, but actually taking action on doing what felt good, what I genuinely wanted to do. So what I call you to do with this point, is to really slow down in life and ask yourself “Does this, what I am doing / thinking right now feel good? If not, what would alignment feel like in this moment?” and follow up by taking action on the answers you get from your heart.
4. Whatever arises, love that – Matt Kahn.
This has been a revolutionary mindset in my life. It has never even occurred to me to look at myself and at life the way Matt proposes, but when I started, it has changed everything for me. The essence of it is in loving everything that comes your way, and saying a genuine I love you to it. When you are scared, love the scared version of you. When you are pissed off, love that pissed off angry version of you. When you are at a loss, compliment how good you can be lost, and love that version of you too. Here is this video that changed my perspective on self-love forever:
5. Full self-focus.
You remember the tales of our parents and teachers of how you have to think of what others will feel like before you act and edit your actions accordingly? Discovering just the level of bullsh$%%^t built into that statement changed everything for me. Realizing that we are here to live for ourselves first and that our only responsibility here is our own happiness and well-being re-framed my life fully. As soon as I started living from a place of answering my own calling of the heart first, life became much simpler and much more pleasant. Despite all the fears, I did not lose great relationships I had, I did not become what old paradigm would label selfish. But on the contrary, I became way more present with others, way more attentive to them, way more authentic with them. And what it took was becoming really present with myself first. Answering my heart’s calling first. Filling up my own cup first. In simple terms, doing what I want to do first. Before satisfying anybody else’s desires.
6. What would a person who loves themselves do? – Teal Swan
I bet every one of you knows at least one person, who, you know for a fact, loves themselves. Who exudes self-love, self-care and undeniable self-appreciation. They feel abundant, overflowing with love and care, warm, giving. Teal Swan in her book Shadows Before Dawn and in one of her videos references this technique of modeling feelings and behaviors of people, who, you know, love themselves. So in any moment of choice we can slow down and think: what would that person do in my situation? What would a person who loves themselves do? I found this technique to be super helpful, as even not having a slightest clue of what self-love is, I could easily tune into people and feel how they feel and understand why and how they do things. So this has become one of my games I enjoyed in the beginning of my journey, and a very helpful one.
7. Imagine your perfect day. Then your perfect life. What is holding you back from living it today? Where do you need to say YES! to yourself in order to start moving there today?
This is a pretty simple but so very powerful technique of back-engineering yourself into alignment. Can you imagine and then write out what would your perfect day look like? When would you like to get up? What would you do right after you get up? What would you do to express yourself? How would you have fun? Do you want your day to be slow or filled with activities? Do you envision feeling adventurous, creative, or peaceful? How deep in detail can you go about your perfect life and perfect day? The more that we envision our perfect case scenarios, the more real to us they become, and the easier it is to pinpoint what areas of our lives we are not saying yes to ourselves in. Are we resisting our purpose because of fear of losing stability, or friends or family? Are we holding ourselves back because of our fear of judgement or loneliness? These are wonderful questions to ponder that will show you all the places where your heart is craving your love and your inner child is begging to come out and play. And the cool part is, the more we show up and say yet to all of our inspired ideas, the closer we are every day to living out that vision of a perfect day and perfect life. It is WAY closer than you think, you just gotta show up and say yes to your heart’s pull.
8. What do I crave from others?
Relationships with other people are a wonderful tool that allows us examine our relationship with ourselves, as they serve as mirrors of our internal world. Can you take a close look at all the relationships you have in your life: with romantic partners, with friends, with your children, with colleagues, with family members. And can you define what is it in those relationships that you are craving? What is it that you think those people should give you, but don’t? Is it attention? Respect? Boundaries? Do they not make you feel loved and special? Whatever the answer to this question is, is the sign for what you need to learn to give to yourself. If it is feeling special, how can you make yourself feel special? When was the last time you stopped and really appreciated yourself for all the amazing things that you are? Same with boundaries. Do you feel like people violate your boundaries left and right and they should have more respect for them? That is a sure sign that you need to learn to respect your own boundaries and assert them with confidence for others to follow your lead. This has been such an amazing thing to learn for me! Yes, it took some time to figure out just how to give it all to myself, but when I did, it was a game changer. Not only did I feel basked in love by myself, but people around me started magically mirroring that behavior. Double win!
9. How would it feel like to be loved? What would it look like?
If you are starting from scratch, this would be a cool question to ponder. What would it feel like to you to be loved? Would it feel warm and cozy? Or liberating, light and expansive? What does it mean for you to feel loved? Is it having enough time for yourself? Is it following your passion? Is it having enough time for your loved one? Define it all in great detail for yourself. Spend time with these details. The more you will, the more real it will start looking to you, and the more real will the steps toward mastering the art of self-love feel.
10. Make a list of all the things you love about yourself.
Sounds too simple, but it works like a charm. And here is why. As I talked in this video about finding self-worth, the reason we feel so cut-off from love and feeling our worth, is because our focus has been always placed on the opposite. Since a very early age we kept hearing “you are too much of this, too little of that, you need to be more like this, act like this, and not do this”. Then we went on to school and school added more things that we are not and should be. Then we turn on the TV and, oh no, we don’t have the body, the skin, the lips, the charisma etc. Our focus has been placed on this perceived ( by someone else) lack, that we bought into. But when was the last time we stopped and acknowledged ourselves for all the good things we ARE? When did we celebrate ourselves last? This simple exercise can help you get your focus back where it belongs – in the place of self-appreciation and self-love. And you know, where our focus goes, energy flows. So the more we celebrate ourselves, the more chances Universe will give us to do so. And the more time we spend in appreciating ourselves, the less we will need approval of others, the less will we care about opinions of others, the more freedom and power within will we connect to.
11. Make a list of all the things you like doing and do at least one thing off the list per day.
That is right, another list. But how helpful can it be! This came in as a channeled advice for multiple people in multiple contexts. But the gist of it is to indulge in activities of alignment with our truth. Those activities that consume us whole. When we forget what time of day it is. When we lose ourselves in the doing. And another cool point about making the list, is that it will hold us accountable on those days when we feel like shit and do not even want to search our brain for what would feel good now. During those days we will have no excuse, but to look in that list and do one thing that will instantly lift our vibration and put us in alignment with self-love.
These are the tools that have helped me so so much in learning the art of self-love. And as I am still mastering it, still solidifying it as my foundation for being and living, I still practice ALL of these tools daily. And it feels amazing 🙂 And I hope they help you just as they have helped me.
Here are other resources that helped me along the way to understand and ground in self-love.
This book has been HUGE and so instrumental in me learning self-love. Not only does Teal tell the story of her childhood that I could very much relate to, but she also provides so many practical tools and exercises that can help you get out of the hole of forgetting your worth and learn to love yourself again.
I hope this little personal collection of tools, techniques and resources can help you in your learning to love yourself just as it has helped me, and help set you free to soar and enjoy life. Let me know what you think in the comments below. I would love top hear your thoughts on the whole subject of self-love. Where do you struggle with it the most? What tools have you found that are helping you ground yourself in self-appreciation and self-love?
Share this post with your friends and in your online communities, subscribe to my blog and my YouTube channel for more similar content, and book a private session with me. I would LOVE to help you life a life of freedom and juicy rich self-expression!
Love, Katy Turner <3